Attention All Toddlers

Rules of the House by Nathaniel:

1. There is no such thing as an "inside voice". When Mommy and Daddy ask you to talk quieter and mention their ears hurt, or somehow bring the Baby into it and claim she's trying to sleep... only yell louder.

2. The ottoman is there in the middle of the living room for running laps around.

3. Meals should start with dessert, or a treat of some kind. When Mommy asks you what you want for breakfast, tell her ice cream, fruit snacks, or candy.

4. Toddlers must be carried all around the house while Mommy vacuums. A friend of a friend of a friend heard once about a toddler who got eaten by a vacuum cleaner. They really are dangerous things and it's nothing to be ashamed about to insist Mommy carries you instead of the Baby while cleaning. Cry pitifully if Mommy tries insisting you are a Big Boy and don't need to be carried.

5. Speaking of the "Big Boy" parenting tactic, it should be banned. Toddlers, do not fall for this trick. Mommy and Daddy are only saying that to get you to do difficult things you don't really want to do.

6. Naps and bedtime should be optional. If bedtime absolutely must occur, books must be read for hours upon hours beforehand. Keep asking for one more book until Daddy falls asleep and then you can have free reign of the house. (I have never been successful at this but I can always hope).

7. Matchbox cars must be spread all throughout the house, in every corner and on every surface. They MUST NOT be moved from their places.

8. Timeouts should be banished as form of discipline. Why would you need a timeout from something you're having so much fun doing?

9. Saying "please" should only be reserved for those things you REALLY want. I've learned that Mommy is much more likely to give into whatever demand as long as I am polite about it.

10. And, finally... the whole house should be run based on the following concept: "I want what I want when I want it and nothing else will do."