What I've "Bean" Reading

A few months ago a friend told me about Danielle Bean, a Catholic mom and author, and pointed me in the direction of her blog. Since then I’ve read her entries and really related to how she thinks and parents her children. She also co-authors the blog for Faith & Family, a wonderful Catholic magazine for parents. I just finished reading one of her books, Mom to Mom, Day to Day Advice & Support for Catholic Living and I didn’t want to put it down! Luckily, we were embarking on a long car ride to Chicago and I didn’t have to. Here are some snippets that I’d like to share with my Mom friends out there:

“Bear in mind that, whatever your other gifts and callings may be, you are the only mother your children will ever have. And you are your husband’s only wife. That alone is hugely important. Know that being a wife and mother are the most important things you will ever do. And, regardless of outside pursuits and distractions, “just” a wife and mother always is enough.”

In response to the question she receives all the time as a mother of eight, “How do you do it?”, she writes:

“Well, I know you won’t believe me, but here’s the answer anyway: Having eight kids is easier than having one or two little ones. I should know. I once had just two children and though I loved them dearly, I wouldn’t in a million years trade the life I have now for the one I lived back then. My life with those two tiny people was overwhelming…. When I had just two little babies, going to the store was an exhausting nightmare of buckling car seats, lugging babies through stores, and struggling to carry groceries into the house while keeping everyone content. Yesterday, however… the older kids helped to buckle everyone in and then they held the younger ones’ hands in parking lots and told them, “No running or shouting in the store, OK?” When we arrived home, everyone unbuckled, I handed the house keys to my oldest son, and everyone- right down to the three year old- carried in the diaper bag and the groceries. All I had to do was waltz into the opened house with the baby in my arms.”

“God does not call the equipped, he equips the called… God gives us our daily bread, the grace we need to live up to our responsibilities one day at a time.”

On discipline:

“There’s a lot of truth in that old advice to “pick your own battles”. It makes for less conflict and less frustration. Some behaviors are just irritating or minor infractions that don’t require parental intervention every time they happen… What’s more, if you yell all the time, your family learns to tune you out… I had to give up on lazy parenting. A real bummer, I know. Here’s how non-lazy parenting works: You need to teach your children that you mean what you say the first time you say it. If you say “Please stop throwing that ball in the house” and get no response, you have to set aside the potatoes you are peeling for dinner, physically remove the ball, and find an appropriate consequence for the offender.”… If we follow through on our commands with appropriate punishments every time, it doesn’t take children long to figure out that mom means what she says- the first time- and that it’s in their best interest to respond to that first request… Messing up sometimes and losing your temper doesn’t mean you are a bad mother. It means you are human. Apologize, pray for the strength to respond more lovingly the next time, and then get back to peeling the potatoes.”

On taking children to Church:

“I will not try to convince you that taking little kids to Mass is easy, because it isn’t. And I am not going to tell you that I know some magic formula and my kids are always perfectly behaved at Mass, because I don’t and they aren’t. I am going to tell you, however, that bringing small children to Mass is worth doing… Children are more capable of a sense of reverence than we realize. They won’t learn proper behavior in Church if we never take them. And they won’t learn proper behavior in Church if we take them but give them an unspoken message of: Sit and play here for an hour while we grown-ups have our Mass and keep telling you to be quiet. They just might begin to get the right idea, if we help them to pray. If we include them. If we tell them: This is God’s house. Jesus is here in the tabernacle. We can receive Jesus in Communion. We came here to be with God and tell him how much we love him”.

On parenting philosophies:

“Through the years I’ve read many parenting books and found much helpful wisdom in many of them, “attachment parenting” books included. My reading and experience, however, have led me to the conclusion that parenting philosophies are dangerous things. In the end I’ve rejected all the expert parenting philosophies. This isn’t because there’s anything particularly bad about any of them. Experience has simply led me to employ a different parenting philosophy in their place: my own. I call mine Do What Works Best for Your Family…. In some groups with which I’ve been associated, parenting philosophy feels almost like a pseudo religion. The implication is that following a particular set of rules will make you a good mother. In fact, they imply it so effectively that many mothers (and I have been one of them) suffer from feelings of guilt and failure when things don’t go as smoothly as the books tell them they should. Well, I already have a religion, thank you… Babies know when they are loved and cared for. They know when their mothers are relaxed and happy. So when presented with a parental challenge, go ahead and read the books, talk to the experts, and survey your playgroup. In the end, however, take and use only what works best for you and your family. Toss the rest… and the guilt along with it.”

Well I’m amazed I got through all that in one sitting - both kiddos are napping at the same time for one of the first times ever, and I actually got to type it all out at once! There are so many other great things Danielle Bean has to say, I really recommend the book highly! My sister-in-law is first in line to borrow the book, but let me know if you'd like to sign up for the waiting list!

P.S. Credit goes to Jeff for the corny pun in the post title!!